One of the most annoying cliches in movies, tv shows, and books is when tons and tons of drama could have been avoided if only the characters had communicated with each other. Usually, even the most basic grasp of decent communication would save them from all kinds of chaos. Unfortunately, such could be said for many of our real life relationships.
Communicating well and developing skills are big deals to my husband and me. As I mentioned in my recent post, Four Misconceptions I Had Before Marriage, communication is something we both admit we were not good at during the early portion of our relationship. Mike sat down with me, and we came up with these tips together. We acknowledged to each other that we both have tons of “head knowledge” about communication, but we must make an effort daily to put our knowledge into practice.
So here are our top four tips for better communication.
1. Stay Current.
Take time to deal today's problems today. If you were to take the first three phases of training with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, this tip is something that would be instilled and reinforced in your brain during every session. And for good reason, because this is the hardest suggestions for me to follow.
I have had too many nights in my young marriage lying awake in bed unable to fall asleep because I have so many emotions raging in my head and heart. I know that I should wake my husband and let him help me sort through it all, but I guilt myself into thinking that I shouldn’t because I waited until bedtime to bring them up. Then, eventually, sleep arrives. I wake up the next morning and the problems seem to have faded.
BUT THEY DIDN'T! They're still in there, especially if they involve a marital conflict. It's still in there. The next time your spouse does something, big or small, that bothers you, all the previous issues are likely to come rushing back. Those are blow-up moments that make the current issue look bigger than it really is because you're just now dealing with these past events.
So keep current. The Bible even says in Ephesians 4:26-27, "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil." Those verses are so packed with goodness but focus on that sound advice to work through your stuff immediately.
2. Share Feelings Rather Than Facts.
From a young age, we are taught to suppress our emotions, especially the negative ones. We sit down with our loved ones and we tell them only the facts about our day.
My husband comes home and asks me how my day was. I tell him that it was okay and that I worked on inventory for the online shop. I ask him about his day and he says that it was long but good. Then the conversation moves on. Those were not feelings. They were just basic facts.
I don’t tell my husband that I am feeling overwhelmed with pressure to get several more items into the shop because I have convinced myself that it’s the only way it'll be successful. He doesn't know that I am feeling extremely anxious and a little depressed because I am in over my head. He doesn’t tell me that by "long day" he meant he faced several conflicts and challenges and now he's doubting himself a bit as a leader and provider.
Because we didn't share feelings neither of us is aware of the baggage the other is carrying. We have to guess what factors are throwing off each other’s moods and neither of us is prepared to be patient and compassionate with the other. Most likely we'll both be so focused on our own crisis that we won't see the other’s crisis until we collide.
