4 Common Misconceptions I Had Before Marriage - My Advice To Engaged Couples & Newlyweds

There is a common saying that warns you shouldn’t assume things because it will make an ass out of you.

Well, I guess you could label me a donkey’s hind quarters because I make a lot of assumptions. Turns out I had quite a few assumptions in mind as I went into marriage.

Some of my assumptions were true, but some...well, some were not. 

Turns out some of the things I assumed about what married life would be like were not all that accurate. I would love to share four of the biggest misconceptions I carried into marriage because I think these are common traps.

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Misconception #1: You won't be lonely anymore when married

Reality: Lonely before = Lonely after.

This one was quite surprising to me.

I moved out of my parents’ home when I was 20. I spent three years living on my own. I was so content being alone for such long periods of time that I would isolate myself and allow myself to fall into these fits of depression.

Soon anxiety would overwhelm me and wreak all kinds of havoc on my relationships. Then, one day I would realize, “I am alone. I am alone and I don’t like it.” I would feel so lonely during those times.

I thought that when I got married, I wouldn’t have time for those terrible behavior patterns.

I thought that my permanent roommate would be the solution to years of negative behavioral and relational patterns.

Wrong!

I have learned that if you are lonely before you get married, you will probably be lonely after you are married.

Negative behavior and relationship patterns don’t cease to exist because you’re married.

I still have to work to stay “others-focused” so that I am building healthy and involved relationships with my husband, friends, and family instead of sinking into myself, neglecting those relationships, and allowing depression and anxiety to attack me with their lies.

It is not my husband’s job to break those habits, nor is it his job to control my emotions or what I choose to believe.

Misconception #2: Once you’re married, conflicts will be easier

Reality: You'll handle conflict married the same way you did before marriage.

I really thought this.

I looked forward to marriage because I thought it would make conflict easier! I figured once we were married, we would just have to work it out.

I don’t think I ever outwardly expressed this misconception. I simply thought it in the back of my mind.

Mike and I had to learn to communicate while we were dating. We both came into this relationship with immature communication skills.

There is a four-year span of our five-year courtship that I still cringe when I think about how terrible we were at simply communicating! Sometimes I am shocked we made it to the altar at all.

During that time, though, I always wished we could just hurry up and get married because once we were stuck together, we’d be forced to work things out.

Ha. Nope!

Maybe to an extent, that is true, but we can let an issue stew for quite a while before. We can go days passive aggressively tiptoeing around an issue that we need to work out.

The fact is that even after marriage, you still must learn to communicate better.

There will always be ways in which we can become better communicators.

Misconception #3: Once you're married, he’ll be better at reading your mind

Reality: Your spouse is still not you, even after marriage.

This one is funny to me now.

I love my husband, but my husband is not me. He does not do things the way I do them. He does not react to things the way I react to them. Again, my husband is not me. Even now that we’re married, he is still him. Crazy.

While engaged, we decided that we wanted a relationship in which he is allowed to be him, and I am allowed to be me. When we disagree, I try not to turn my husband into myself, and he doesn’t try to turn me into himself. We don’t try to convince each other to agree with our own points of view. Instead, we seek to communicate our sides.

Sounds awesome, right? Hard to do.

I find myself expecting him to do things or not do things. Then I get upset when he doesn’t do them, or when he does them, but in a weird way, that isn’t how I would have done it.

Or I decide that I shouldn’t have to tell him certain things because he should just obviously know.

Why do these situations make me so mad? WHY?!

Over the years, I have learned the answer: even after marriage, he cannot read my mind. It goes right back to communication.

If I don’t express to him what I want him to do or, more importantly, what I need from him, especially emotionally, he will most likely not meet that need.

This is (usually) not his fault. If I am feeling neglected because he is super-busy with work and I don’t tell him, even though I know he is very distracted, I can’t blame him for my hurt feelings and emotions.

Choosing to punish him is unfair and unproductive.

Instead, I should bring it to his attention. Pull his focus back to me for a minute and communicate what’s happening in my heart. My husband loves me and will try to listen and help.

Misconception #4: Losing your independence and space will be a big issue

Reality: You adapt quickly and when nurtured, love just keeps growing.

I couldn’t have been further from the truth. I thought that even though I was madly in love, I would have trouble giving up my independence. I thought that having my husband with me constantly would cause me to want space and lots of “me time.” I was worried that living with him and having him always around would make me grow tired of him.

Wrong again.

I am still pretty independent. That’s just ingrained in me, and I didn’t lose that to marriage.

However, I enjoy depending on my husband because he is so dependable.

I love loving him. I trust him to be a great leader and provider because his character testifies to the fact that these traits are part of who he is.

I have yet to feel like I need space from him. I love being with him.

My love and my desire to be with him grow every day.

I know I am dangerously close to sounding like a Brad Paisley song, but I mean it. I didn’t think it was possible to love a person as much as I love him now.

I understand when the Bible tells us in Genesis that the “two shall become one flesh.”

We are two parts of one thing and when we are away from each other I feel that absence.

I am curious if I am alone in these expectations! Please feel free to share if you relate to any of my misconceptions or share your own in the comments below.

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